Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A real match

          After having my girlfriend of 5-years leave me, I found myself depressed.  I was once again ashamed of myself.  This time I was ashamed because I had become such a push-over, that she thought that I had become spineless.  During the last year of our relationship I basically let her walk all over me and I never lifted a finger to make her stop.

          The depression didn't last long, however.  Four days after she left I had already been approached by several of my girlfriends friends telling me not to wait for her, and to just move on.  Eventually I got one of them to tell me why.  A year prior to her leaving she started seeing other guys behind my back.  I had never felt so betrayed in my entire life.  The feelings of betrayal quickly turned to rage, and I finally showed her that I did, in fact, still have a spine.  I am quick to trust people, but I have come to learn that I don't deal with betrayal very well.

          After a short wrestle with hatred I decided to move forward.  I accepted a few blind dates from well meaning friends, and found strength where I thought I had none left.  I turned away a potential romantic opportunity simply for the fact that the girl I dated reminded me too much of my ex-girlfriend.  I am an emotional guy that is in-touch with his feelings.  I also have a very strong romantic side.  I simply cannot date a woman that does not enjoy romantic gestures.  I'm a true believer that chivalry is not dead, and as long as there is breath in my lungs it will live on in me.

          One of my female friends told me that I should try an online dating sites.  I was already using a free online dating site, but I wasn't finding what I was looking for.  My friend told me that I should try Match.com because she knows a couple that have gotten married after meeting on that site.  I tossed the idea around in my head for a while, but didn't follow through.  I kept on using the free dating site for a while, but never met anyone through it.

          A few weeks later, I was at work, and during my lunch break I remembered my friend telling me about Match.com.  I decided to check it out.  I ended up spending $40 for a 1-month subscription to see what the site had to offer.  After I wrote a personal profile, pin pointing who I am and what I have to offer as a well adjusted guy with an emotional side, I took the personality tests and got my first set of matches.  I sent out a couple of "emails" to a few matches and waited.

          Later that evening I was back at home, sitting on my bed with my laptop.  I decided to check the Match.com website again.  No one had messaged me back, but Match.com had a new set of matches for me to look at.  After looking at my new matches there was a really cute match that I was interested in pursuing after reading her profile.  I didn't want to waste time and write another "email" to someone if I wasn't going to be replied to, so I just sent this particular girl a wink.  She wasn't currently online so I logged off of the site, and decided to watch a movie.  Roughly an hour later I received an alert via my smartphone that I had been winked at on Match.com, so I logged on to see who it was.  The cute girl that I winked at earlier that night had winked back at me.  I honestly thought that I would be ignored by her.  She was very cute, and I thought that perhaps she was a little out of my league.  It was time to send her an "email".  I opened by telling her that I would have "emailed" her from the start, but she was so attractive I kind of assumed that she would have ignored me.  It wasn't the best opener in the world, but I'm not the smoothest guy either, so it would have to do.  I hit send.

          I went back to her profile and read it again.  She was looking for the same things in a man that I was looking for in a woman.  I looked over her pictures again, and thought to myself "She's awful damn pretty".  She was currently online so I patiently waited for a response.  I didn't get one, so after about 10 minutes or so, I logged out and went back to my movie.  I knew she was out of my league.  Who was I kidding.

          Roughly an hour later I receive another smartphone alert.  She had responded to my "email".  We chatted for the remainder of that night before going to bed, and exchanged cell phone numbers the following morning.  We discovered over the following 2-weeks that we had way more in common than even Match.com could have known about.

          We spent everyday for two whole weeks talking to each other on the phone for six or more hours per day.  We waited 2-weeks before having our first date because she is a good mom, and she didn't want her son to meet someone that wasn't worthy.  Having came from a previous relationship involving children, I felt the same way that she did. We planned our first date for a weekend that her ex-husband would have their son.

          Our first date was very surreal.  I had gotten to know her very well on an intellectual level over those first two weeks, so I felt as if I really knew the true her, but at the same time I had still not met her in person.  We both made sure to get to know each other as well as possible before our first date.  We even went as far as becoming facebook friends, so that we could see each others photos and pasts posts.  You can tell a lot from a person just by reading past facebook posts. For instance, most of my facebook posts are positive posts about my daily life and struggles.  I try not to post anything negative.  I found out that she and I also share that trait.

          I met her at her house on a Friday evening.  We were both nervous and had already been talking about our nerves to each other earlier that day.  When she answered the door I was shocked at how pretty she was.  She was more beautiful in person than on her Match.com profile and facebook pictures.

          We went out for Sushi on that first night, and then caught a movie after dinner.  We went back to her place after the movie and just sat in the living room and talked to one another until 4am.  I already knew by then that I had met someone very special.  We decided that night that we both wanted to see where this relationship could takes us, so we agreed that neither of us would date anyone else.  I officially had a girlfriend now.  At 4am she and I shared a very nice goodbye kiss, and I left her house.

          I live roughly 33 miles from where she lives, so I drove to my best friends house, which is less than half that distance, and stayed at his house that night.  He and I stayed up until 6am talking about the date and how great it went.  After getting only 2 hours of sleep, I woke up at 8am and could not get the night before out of my mind.  I could still feel that goodnight kiss resting upon my lips.  I immediately logged into facebook and discovered that she was awake also.  She had already posted about our date the previous night and about how incredible she thought I was.  I couldn't believe it.  Was this really happening to me?  I'm usually the one posting sappy stuff on facebook and making all of my friends gag.  Now I've found an incredible woman who is going to sicken my friends with the same verve that I do.  That morning we both changed our facebook relationship status' to "in a relationship with _____".   I sent her a text and asked her if she would like to go out to breakfast with me.  She did .....We also had lunch together that day, and dinner together that night.  We have been pretty much inseparable since that first date.

          It has now been 4-weeks and she has captured me, heart and soul.  I have met her young son and we have both met each others immediate families.  Her mom and dad seem to like me, and I know that my mom, sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces, and nephews all like her.  My family is a bit larger than hers.  I have been spending my weekends with her and her son when he's home.  I have gone on a few outings with her and him on a couple of occasions now.  I know it seems fast, but we both went into this relationship knowing who we are, and what we want in our lives.  She and I have both fallen in love with each other, and we are both shocked and amazed at how fast it seems to be going.  We are both very level headed individuals, however, and we are still taking everything one day at a time.  It just so happens that any day we spend together turns out to be a powerful day.  We are simply letting our hearts lead us this time.

          So this is where I stand.  In love once again.  Smiling like a school boy at the very thought of her.  This time it is going to be different.  This time I have found a kindred spirit.  I will no longer live as the only responsible adult in the relationship.  I have found someone who is looking for the same things in life that I am; a loving partner to come home to, and a happy and productive family life.  Not to mention, a romantic soul, and great kisser to cuddle on the couch with at the end of the day :-)

Thursday, August 7, 2014

...in the beginning.

Welcome to my blog.

This is going to be my private thoughts made public.  I want to use this space to share my adventures on life, love, and everything in between.

I'll start with a little back story on who I am and why you may want to follow this blog.

          My name is Steve, and I am one of those guys that was a late bloomer.  I didn't date in high school.  Instead I spent most of my time hanging out with the guys and fantasizing about having a girlfriend.  After high school I went into carpentry and spent too many hours learning the trade to concentrate on a love life, but in 1990 I met a girl.  We dated for only 3-months.  I got my first taste of sexual pleasures, and then I married her.  She and I were married for 17-years before she had finally had enough of me and moved out in 2007.  She and I were not a good match.  We had our good times, but we spent a large majority of those 17-years tearing each other down.  We fought like cats & dogs, so by the end of our relationship there was very little love left between us, if any at all.

          I spent an entire year, after the separation, beating myself up.  I was ashamed of myself for letting my marriage fail.  Early on in our relationship, my wife was the one who gave all to keep our relationship alive, and I was the anchor that was dragging it down.  Eventually she lost respect for me, and the vicious cycle of fighting began.

          During my year of depression I went from self loathing to self healing.  I lost nearly 100 lbs from simply not eating.  I would only leave the house to go to work or go to the store; other than that I was at home playing video games and skipping meals.  Eventually one of my sisters got tired of seeing me punish myself and forced me to rejoin the world.  I hated who I had become over the last 18-years and with her help I found the happy guy that I had been in my 20's, even though now I was in my 40's.  I started going to the gym and toning up my new thin body and my sister began introducing me to friends and forcing me to step outside of my comfort zone.  I learned that forcing myself to intentionally live outside of my comfort zone was a great way to grow as an individual.  I made a few mistakes along the way, but in the end I was completely transformed.

          In 2010 I met another woman and fell in love with her.  At that time in my life I was really into drinking and having a good time, and this new woman was definitely the life of the party.  It was great at first.  She had 3 kids and I took to the roll of father figure like a duck to water.  After less than 2-months as a couple we moved in together.  We lived together for nearly 5-years before she grew tired of me and left.  Once again I had managed to screw up what I thought was a good thing.  This time I wasn't an anchor, as I was in my marriage.  In this relationship I had become so caught up in making my girlfriend happy that I lost myself along the way.  I had become a push-over, and had given up my backbone in the name of love.  As with my ex-wife, my girlfriend lost respect for me, and eventually she lost her spark.  Everything finally came to a head in 2014 after her mom had died.

          2014 has been a really crazy year for me.  Within the first few months of the year I went through a devastating break-up from my 5-year relationship, in which I lost the family that had adopted me as the father figure.  My little family unit had been broken.  My girlfriend had taken her young daughter and moved out of state to live with her brother, and if that wasn't bad enough, I later discovered that the woman that I loved had cheated on me a year prior to leaving me.  I was blindsided, betrayed, and very hurt, but this time I was determined not to beat myself up.  Instead I used the failed relationship as a learning experience.

          I now knew what I wanted in life, and what not to look for.  The problem is that I always seem to be attracted to the wrong women.  I tend to fall for women who like to party; women who come from broken homes, and have serious psychological damage from abusive childhoods; be it physical abuse or mental abuse. I had fallen into another vicious cycle and didn't even realize it.  I needed to break the cycle.

          According to Albert Einstein the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I couldn't simply go to a bar and search for women.  I'm in my 40's and have grown tired of the bar scene.  That is a younger guys game.  Plus, if I were to meet a woman at a bar, the chances are likely that she is a party girl, and I have already proven to myself that I don't need another party girl.  What I needed was a loving, honest, down to earth woman with a caring and romantic side that could match my own.

          Little did I know that lightening was about to strike me again......